Don't Let Jealousy Ruin Your Relationship

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” - Maya Angelou

Are there times you become jealous of something or in a certain situation? I begrudgingly have to admit, I do sometimes become jealous. What I try to do, rather than focusing on my jealousy, I have to focus on what I have to do and what would make me feel less jealous.

Jealousy can eat away my whole day. Spending time being jealous is, quite simply, a waste of time. Sometimes, I try to be logical and ask myself, "What am I achieving by being jealous?" "Is my situation improving by spending time feeling this way?" Obviously, the answer is no.

I read articles about overcoming jealousy. Just to help me handle the situation. I’m not saying to ignore your feelings of jealousy completely. I learned that it’s a natural and expected emotion. Instead, acknowledge that you feel jealous and explore what would decrease those feelings. How is the jealousy affecting you and how it is affecting your relationship with your husband? Can you do something to acquire whatever you are jealous of? In my situation, maybe I can try to understand harder the situation. Also, I spend some time reframing my thoughts to be more accurate and positive. Rather than saying or thinking “I’m jealous of my husband's ex-girlfriend.” I try to say, “I’d love to work harder and just keep my marriage stronger than what my husband has with his past relationship." I’m working hard and I just always think that I have so much to be grateful for.

Along the lines of what Ms. Angelou is saying, too much jealousy can be relationship-threatening. If I approach my husband with jealousy and any other negative feelings, I've probably indirectly or directly sending negative signals. In the beginning, I may not notice, but I may be acting differently toward that person, and this is especially true in my relationships with my husband. And it’s not just about jealousy; we can apply this to any negative feeling. Some of us are very transparent when it comes to emotions. I know I am. My husband can frequently tell by looking at my face that I’m sad, upset, or annoyed. Maybe I’m not verbally mistreating a person but he can usually look at me and know that I’m feeling down or irritated. In turn, he is going to react differently toward me, and that’s definitely not going to help our relationship.

I always try to apply this to my marriage. Of course I'll feel a little jealous if a pretty girl is flirting with my spouse specially if his 'ex-girlfriend' is calling him or sending him text messages. Sometimes, I can't control my feelings but I try very hard not to let it get beyond a little jealousy. When this happens, I just usually pray. I know I can trust my husband (there's no doubt about it!) and I know that the flirty girl or ex-girlfriend is harmless and will probably be ignored by my husband anyway.

So how do I get over jealousy and how do I keep it from affecting my marriage? Well, in addition to acknowledging and reframing, I usually work on my self-esteem. This may not apply to everyone, but low self-esteem is often the root of jealousy. I read an article that says, "If there’s a specific item or situation you are jealous of, if it’s possible, try to work on obtaining it. Don’t just stew in jealously, do something about it." (Just to clarify, it doesn't mean take away the item from the person who has it, it means go out and earn it yourself). It also says on the article that, "If you feel it’s appropriate for your situation, consider talking to the person you are jealous of." But in my case, until now, I still don't have the courage to face and talk to her personally. I know it may take it as a compliment and it might release me of the burden of feeling jealous. So, what I usually do, I talk to a close and trusted friend or family member. And I make sure not to become angry at the person I am jealous of. She probably doesn’t know how I feel and even if she does, she wouldn't feel bad or get punished when most likely she isn't trying to make me jealous in the first place.

Remember, jealousy doesn’t just affect you, it affects your relationships. Try to let it go and stay positive.