A Letter to My Mother on her 60th Birthday

Today is my mom's birthday. Anyone who reads my blog knows what an amazing person my mother really is. Since I gave birth, she has literally put her life on hold to help me and take care of my baby. I have spent the past couple of weeks trying to come up with something to do for her on her 60th birthday to thank her for all she has done and show her how much I love her. What I ended up doing was really quite simple. Since I can't go back home to celebrate this special day with her, I called the Red Ribbon, her favorite bakeshop in the Philippines and I ordered 2 designed cakes for her. Then I sent her a package, simple gifts that she will appreciate and I told my brother to buy her a bouquet of flowers and "lechon" (suckling roasted pig), it's the national dish in our country. Then I coordinated with my dad to make a special surprise birthday party for her. But what I really wanted to do was to thank her personally. None of those things really do that. So I decided to go "old school" and sit down and write her out a letter. I think it gets my point across better than anything I could have spent money on. I thought you all might enjoy reading it:

Dear Mom,

I have been trying to think of a way to say "thank you" that can somehow convey how I truly feel about you virtually putting your life on hold for me. The words don't do it justice. I could tell you how much I love you and what an amazing mother you are to me, but that seems like it has been said before. I could try and explain what it means to me to have a mother who is my best friend and confidant in life but it feels like a bad Hallmark card. The words feel too empty because it is not through words that you show me love and teach me how to be a better person. It is through your actions. The way that you love me and my son makes us better people by the mere fact that we get to be around you to experience it.

Maybe it is because I am fully immersed in this parenthood thing, or maybe it is because I cannot tell you how much I miss you on your birthday. If it would have been possible I would have come flying to celebrate this special day with you. For some reason I find myself at a point where I look back on ALL of that actions and decisions you have made over the course of being my mother and I marvel at how you have done it all with such grace and dignity. You would say that you have made mistakes. And you have. We all have and we all will. In fact it is through THOSE times that have shown the true grace and dignity of who you are. You make it all seem so easy. And perhaps before I was trying to trudge through it myself, I thought it WAS easy. But being a parent isn't easy, and doing right by your children is a life-long, full time job. And here I am, I need you now as my mother perhaps more than ever. And you are still here. Still parenting me, and stepping up to help parent my own son.

Now I am a mother, and I now know exactly how you felt. I understand the exhaustion, the worries, sacrifices and I understand something else that I never did before, the love that a mother has for her children is the most powerful, protective, caring, emotional, sacrificing love that will ever exist on this earth.

In a lifetime I will never find another, who will love me as unconditionally as you have. I am truly blessed to not only have you as my mother but a soulmate. One who can see through my smile to know I am hurting. Who will do just about anything to see me happy, even if it means keeping silent whilst performing little deeds in the background. One whose fervent prayers have kept me safe from harm or sickness. I have so much to learn from you. I am always in awe when I witness your generosity, and your kindness to those in need.

"Thank you" will never be sufficient. What I hope WILL be is the promise that I am taking in all that you are and all that you do, and I am tucking it away inside of me to pull on when I need it. If I can be HALF the mother to my own son that you have been to me, and if when he reach adulthood he can feel HALF the love and acceptance and guidance that I have, then and only then will I feel as though I have "thanked you" properly. I cannot tell you how lucky we are to have you in our lives. Zander, Geir and I are all going to be better people because of you. You mean more to us than I could ever tell you. We all love you with all of our hearts and souls and wish you the best birthday in the world! Happy 60th Birthday Mommy!

Your daughter,
Shelley

My Long Vacation -- 21 Days Has Started!

I am starting my long vacation tomorrow. It’s very hard to explain what it entails. My mother-in-law will be visiting us on Wednesday and she will be staying with us for 3 weeks. I'm looking forward to seeing her again. When she's around, everything becomes easy because she's like my mom. Then friends will also visit us from Bergen. It will still be a busy vacation for me! :)

Then for some few days, I want to get away & go someplace peaceful, and where I'd feel free and just relax. relax. relax. I'm so thankful to my mother-in-law because she offered to take good care of our son while my husband and I will go on a short trip.

A vacation! That’s what I badly need right now. I need some time off to unwind and just rest my mind. My mind needs to be devoid of all negative thoughts. I have never realized how chaotic my life was in so many aspects since I moved in Norway and I don’t want the day to come when I’ll just suffer from a breakdown because I couldn’t handle everything anymore.

That’s why I need a vacation. I need to hie off to a place where I can just let my hair down and worry about nothing. A long vacation is not just an extended period of time when your body is away from home. It’s a state of mind, a psychological shift, a way of letting go.

You live, but so much better than before.

Under a cloudy sky sometimes the world looks gray...

Depression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is plain and simple reduction of feeling... People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile. -Judith Guest

You cry... you feel sad... you get "help"... but it is still there... only now you hide it... you want everyone to believe it is okey... but its not, I'm not okey- its a roller coaster of emotions, you slowly start to feel better and then all of a sudden you crash again... then it starts all over.

Depression to me is like a deep dark pit that once you have reached bottom there is no escape.
At first you began to feel yourself sliding into the shadows and then complete isolation from life. Things begin to lose their color. yellows of the sunshine, and blues of the sky fade to a grey and bleak shadow that seems to overwhelm me. I can no longer see or hear things that are pleasing to me anymore. Dark thoughts of fear and failure dwell within my mind almost constantly. I feel numb to the world and people around me. I want to be left alone because it takes so much work to hide the true pain and sadness I am feeling. The guilt for not being able to handle simple conversations. It is so hard and exhausting to pretend with people that I am okey when in fact I have spiraled downward into what I call THE PIT. It is deep, dark, lonely and inescapable for me sometimes.

Life is sometimes bad. I feel like it's just a bunch of aches and pains. When ever there is some good thing happens, it's inevitable that it is going to end. I've resolved myself. I'm not going to
expect anything but the worst because it's inevitable. Why be caught by surprise by something you know isn't going to last. Don't be a fool, even if it does get better always know it will come to an end.

I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I just want my OLD life back!

Nerve-wracking interview experience!!!

“Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I just had my second interview! That was so nerve-wracking! I've had like six job interviews in my life, and I've always gotten the job. I've never been this nervous. It was actually a group interview... And there is nothing more stressful than going for an interview for the 2nd time (specially if they want me to speak Norwegian... which is next to impossible... lol PLUS they were five people conducting the interview in Norsk but even worse when you have to interview in front of your competitors who were very fluent in speaking Norwegian) kakalurkey talaga!!! But it is essential that you make the best impression you can in this limited time so I told them the truth that I can only speak/understand little Norwegian... good thing they allowed me to speak in English.

The initial interview was very easy for me since the interviewer used 'English language'. It lasted for 45 minutes... and I didn't even notice the time... (bakit kase kailangan ko pang magNorsk sa 2nd interview... lol)

I left the interview convinced that I hadn't done well enough (because of not using the Norwegian language), but I'm still hoping I'd shown them what they wanted... I'm crossing my fingers! :D

My little Ninja! :)

Last Thursday Zander's barnehage (kindergarten) hosted a carnival day. It's a lovely tradition where the kids and the teachers all get to dress up in different costumes and they have a fun day full of games and lots of treats. :)

Zander wants to wear a 'Fireman Sam' outfit or something that looks like 'Handy Manny'. My husband and I went to a Leke butikk (toy store) beside IKEA and of course fireman and police costumes were sold out... so we decided to buy him a ninja outfit. My 3 year old son tried it on his ninja costume, showing everyone in the family and his friends at school. The excitement and joy on his face made this worth every penny. The sword added to the overall effect of the costume. It was so realistic, that his friends at school didn't recognize him right away. All of the other kids were also dressed up... Zander was very fascinated!

When my hubby picked him up in the afternoon, he was still wearing his ninja costume and he told us that he had eaten pølse (sausage), boller and pizza in barnehage.