I have an indescribable Depression :(

For the last week my nerves were like fire-crackers, hissing like tea-pot bursting with steam. I was frustrated with everything and crying about anything. My enthusiasm for Norway quickly turned into an unexpected bout of almost-hatred (I say "almost" attempting not to offend, but I am being honest). I kept wondering, "What the hell is wrong with me?"

For a while all I could feel was anxiety, irritation and isolation. Everything in Kleppe was wrong. Only questions like, "Why can't Norway have roads wide enough for two lanes?!" or Why everything should be in Norwegian language... inside the grocery, streets and even on televison every program should have a Norwegian language sub-title? and "Why are there so many damn bugs in Norway?!" haunted my mind and consumed me. My poor husband politely and patiently answered each one. I kept thinking, What the heck is wrong with me? I am a happy person! I don't ever act or feel this way! I could find a million things to hate and nothing to like. At the same time, I was humiliated at my lack of appreciation and incessant complaints. Despair engulfed me.

I realize now that I was suffering from "home sickness" depression. Some days were so dark and lonely, while others were great and full of love for my new life. I thought maybe I was going psychotic or bipolar, but no, its the bouts of depression that can encompass an expat. Erik Nilsson wrote a great article, "How language can lift a depressed expat." He tells the story of Amanda, who moved to China to teach English. "Something was wrong with Amanda. A few months after she moved to China to teach English at a Beijing elementary school, the 23-year-old Briton started having crying fits. A panicky feeling would overtake her when she walked along crowded streets, and she began losing her temper over trivial things." Crying fits? Panicky feeling? Losing your temper? Wow, that sounds all too familiar.

Personally, I find expat depression to be sneaky and surprising. I never thought living in a new culture and country would cause an uproar of emotions, especially from someone like me, who's main emotions are happy and excited. It seemed impossible that I could be bored and restless with an exciting and untouched world awaiting me.

For me, the key to conquering this monster is creating new habits and patterns. I just keep myself always busy on household chores and I look forward to go to school on March 1.